


Baby It's Cold Outside

by Fire_Sign



Category: Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Genre: F/M, MFMM Year of Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-16 12:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12342504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fire_Sign/pseuds/Fire_Sign
Summary: Inspired by the secret film script snippet, the fourth wall is not so much broken as obliterated.





	Baby It's Cold Outside

**Author's Note:**

> This is me being both ridiculous and easily amused. Further notes at the end.

##  $100,000 - Romance  


It had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time--stay an extra day in the alps once Nicholas Mortimer was taken away. Phryne simply hadn't accounted for both a head injury and a second snowstorm. Now it was nearing dark and they were at least an hour from the house, and the cold was quickly headed towards dangerous.

"We need to get warm," said Jack, who could always be counted on to state the obvious.

"You know, if I'd left the door unlocked the other night--"

"Miss Fisher! This is serious."

"So am I, Jack," she said, nearly pouting. "I offer and I offer and it never goes anywhere, and now I'm going to die out here like some novel heroine without ever getting an answer."

Jack sighed. "I'm sorry, Phryne."

"As you should be," she scolded, not at all serious. "And we'll discuss this again later, but first we need to stay warm. At the South Pole they recommend skin to skin contact…”

##  $200,000 - Exotic Locales  


"We're a long way from London, miss," Dorothy Williams-cum-Collins said, looking up at the night sky. This was not quite the adventure the newlywed was expecting, but it was--though she would deny it adamantly--still better than Father O'Leary's lectures on wifely duties and Hugh's almost disturbingly sycophantic attempts to prove he was modern.

"We're a long way from anywhere, Dot," Phryne replied, looking up from the engine of the Tiger Moth. "And we won't be going anywhere tonight. I should be able to fix this in the morning though. Until then, we need to get warm. At the South Pole they recommend skin to skin contact--" Dot could not help but give her friend a horrified look, but Phryne merely shrugged. "I don't think it's quite as cold here. We should be fine with the blankets."

Dot nodded, taking the blankets in question from the plane and handing one over.

"Have you been to the South Pole?" she asked.

Phryne smiled. "Of course, Dot. Mustn't let the men have all the fun."

##  $300,000 - An International Star

"And then the title card will read 'We need to get warm'," explained Louise. "It will be tender and passionate and the audience will love it!"

Phryne nodded. "I'm not entirely convinced that Mr. Matthews is the right man for this role though, Miss Brooks. Perhaps someone with international appeal would help?"

"It's Matthews or nobody, Miss Fisher," the actress explained firmly. "Chemistry like that can't be produced in a studio."

Phryne nodded. "Well, that is something I'm familiar with. Very well then, I'll invest. There's only one other suggestion I have."

"And what's that, Miss Fisher?"

“At the South Pole, they recommend skin to skin contact for warmth.”

"We'll have to see what we can arrange," said Louise. "But I can see the appeal."

##  $400,000 - An Extra Storyboard

##  $500,000 - An Bonus Phrack Scene

"We need to get warm!” Jack shouted against the wind, squinting as he searched for shelter in the blizzard.

Phryne looked at him, clearly less bothered by their predicament.

“You know, Jack, at the South Pole they recommend skin to skin contact…”

He paused, turning to look at her with a wry half-smile.

"Do you ever feel, Miss Fisher, like we have been here before?"

She shrugged. "I'm quite certain I'd remember _that_ , Jack. Alas, I am forever unfulfilled."

Even in the middle of a snowstorm, his look of desire caused heat to flood through her. He tilted his head slightly. "Never say never, Miss Fisher. But first we'd better make our way to that shelter over there. Who knows what will happen next."

##  $600,000 - Getting the Family Back Together

"You would think the baron would invest in some blasted firewood," muttered Bert, and ever quiet Cec had to agree.

Phryne just sighed.

"Is my father's complete inability to adequately plan for something as foreseeable as winter a surprise to anybody at this point?" she asked, then turned to Jack conspiratorially. "At least there are plenty of dark corners to waltz into." Then they eyefucked for awhile, because it had been at least five minutes since the last time. 

Mac, who was ensconced deep in a chair and deep in her cups, snorted. "I cannot believe I left a perfectly lovely woman in Melbourne for this..."

"Not that you told _me_ that," pouted Phryne. "I tell you all about my lovers."

Mac poured herself another whiskey, then took a swig from the bottle instead. It was a perfectly understandable choice, under the circumstances; if nothing else, it helped with the cold. 

"I'm glad you don't have many lovers, Dottie," said Hugh. His wife glared at him in response.

"I have been kidnapped by Latvians and driven a motorcar and married _you_ , Hugh Collins. I'm brave enough for many lovers if I wanted them."

There was much glowering and apologising, but nobody was paying attention to the young lovers squabbling again.

“We need to get warm,” said Aunt Prudence firmly. "Regardless of that scoundrel's finances, some things must be done."

“At the South Pole they recommend skin to skin contact,” supplied a pig-tailed young woman who vanished as quickly as she'd arrived; the rest of the group was left looking around the room for the source of the factoid. When no answer was forthcoming they quickly forgot her again.

"When I was in the war..." began Jack, and everyone fell silent expectantly, waiting to finally get some answers about what exactly his role had been. Unfortunately he was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Phryne answered it, stepping back as people carried in firewood by the cord.

"It won't last the whole winter," said one, "but it's a start. And I'm sure we can rustle up a little bit more."

And then there was much hot cocoa and rejoicing, because the author gave up on plot several sections ago.

  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, when I saw this snippet and whopooh's extra challenge on Tumblr and this month't trope challenge... I had to do it. You really can get wonderful behind the scenes information (and a better storyboard, I'm sure) [if you back the Kickstarter before October 15th!](https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/468758721/miss-fisher-the-movie) (14th for those in North America) With just over two days left, they are closing in on an incredible $700,000! 
> 
> Secondly, some concerns have been raised about the use of this Kickstarter information. I am quite happy to discuss my stance privately (you can reach me on [Tumblr](http://firesign23.tumblr.com/) or [fanfiction.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/9696386/FireSign23)), but I will state, unequivically, that my interest is--as I'm sure if true for all fans, and is evident in the incredible job Every Cloud has done on this campaign--in making the Kickstarter as big a success as possible. My current understanding is that this information is "fair game" to share, so to speak; if that understanding changes with new information, I will respond accordingly. And if this silly little fic reaches someone who didn't know about the campaign, or who didn't realise how little time was left to get a pledge in, then I'll consider it a success. If I made you laugh, all the better. After all, we're all Phryne fans here. ♥


End file.
